Interpersonal Effectiveness: Criteria for Saying Yes and No

Do you know how to effectively say YES and NO? The following is the DBT criteria for how to learn the intensity and the criteria on asking for a need to be met or for you to say no effectively and still maintain the relationship.

At the end there is a game you can use to help to determine your intensity of which way you go.

INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS HANDOUT

Factors to consider when deciding to ask for something you want or how to say no.

CAPABILITY	Is the person able to give you what your asking for? If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.Do you have what the person wants? If NO, raise the intensity of NO.
PRIORTIES	Are your GOALS important? Increase intensityIs your RELATIONSHIP shaky? Consider reducing intensity.Is your SEL-RESPECT on the line? Intensity should fit your values.
SELF-RESPECT	Do you usually do things yourself? Are you careful to avoid acting helpless when you are not? If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.Will saying no make you feel bad about yourself, even when thinking in Wise Mind? If NO, raise the intensity of NO.
RIGHTS	Is the person required by law or moral code to give you what you want? If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.Are you required by law or moral code to give the person what he or she is asking for? If NO, raise the intensity of NO.
AUTHORITY	Are you responsible for directing the person or telling the person what to do? If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.Does the person have the authority over you? And is what the person is asking within his or her authority? If NO, raise the intensity of NO.
RELATIONSHIP	Is what you want appropriate to the current relationship? If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.Is what the person is asking for appropriate to your current relationship? If NO, raise the intensity of NO.
LONG-TERM VERSES SHORT-TERM GOALS	Will not asking for what you want keep the peace but create problems in the long run? If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.Is giving in to keep the peace right now more important that the long-term welfare of the relationships? If NO, raise the intensity of NO.
GIVE AND TAKE	What have you done for the other person? Are you give at least as much as you ask for? Are you willing to give if the person says yes? If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.Do you owe the other person a favor? Does he or she do a lot for you? If NO, raise the intensity of NO.
HOMEWORK	Have you done your homework? Do you know all the facts you need to know to support your request? If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.Is the other person’s request clear? Do you know what you are agreeing to? If NO, raise the intensity of NO.
TIMING	Is this a good time to ask? Is the person “in the mood” for listening and paying attention to you? Are you catching the person when he or she is likely to say a yes to your request? If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING.Is this a bad time to say no? Should you hold off answering for a while? If NO, raise the intensity of NO.