GIVE Skill + Learning how to Validate

The GIVE Skill in Interpersonal Effectiveness is a great reminder of our approach and how we address people who we are asking something from or saying No to. It is hard to set boundaries and learning how to ask for our needs to be met. The give skill is a way to slow it down, focus on the things you can control ( such as your body, tone of voice and approach ) and getting what you need.

GentleBe Gentle: Be Nice and Respectful No attacks No threats No judging Notice your tone of voice  
InterestedAct Interested: Listen to the other person Don’t interrupt Be patient Make good eye contact Don’t make faces (role eyes)
*ValidateValidate: Show that you understand the other person’s feelings and the situation. “That sucks” “I am listening..” See full sheet for *Levels of Validation  
Easy MannerUse an Easy Manner: Smile Soft tone Open stance Positive body language


*Levels of Validation

1. Pay Attention: Look interested in the other person (no multitasking) Get off your phone, stop doing other things and just sit with the person who wants to talk.

2. Reflect Back: Repeat back what you heard the other person say or do, to be sure you understand exactly what the person is saying. No judgmental language or tone of voice.

3. “Read Minds”: Be sensitive to what is not being said by the other person. Pay attention to facial expressions, body language, what is happening, and what you know already about the other person. Show you understand by your words and actions. Double check you are hearing them correctly.

4. Understand: Look for context and draw from past experiences of what the person is telling you.

5. Acknowledge the Valid: Acknowledge the person’s feelings are valid. Look for the facts and support their position (you do not have to agree with it).

6. Show Equality: This is not the time to “one-up” or tell a story of worse pain and struggle.  Even telling a story that might equal the person’s emotions might take away from the moment and feel like you’re telling them to “just get over it.”

Effectively saying YES and NO. Finding Middle Path Podcast

Do you know how to effectively say YES and NO? The following is the DBT criteria for how to learn the intensity and the criteria on asking for a need to be met or for you to say no effectively and still maintain the relationship. Find more at 
  1. Effectively saying YES and NO.
  2. The FAST Skill and Bringing It All Together
  3. Give Skill and Levels of Validation
  4. Interpersonal Effectiveness – DEAR MAN
  5. Intro to Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills

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