Doing the “Right Thing”: A DBT Perspective on Values, Emotions, and Skillful Action

We talk a lot about “doing the right thing.”

But what does that actually mean?

In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), doing the “right thing” is not about being perfect, moralizing, people-pleasing, or avoiding conflict. It’s about acting effectively and in alignment with your values — even when your emotions are loud.

And that’s where it gets hard.

When Emotions and Values Collide

Most people don’t struggle because they don’t know the right thing to do.

They struggle because:

• They feel hurt.
• They feel angry.
• They feel ashamed.
• They feel overwhelmed.
• They want relief right now.

DBT teaches us that emotions are real, valid, and important. But emotions are not always effective guides for behavior.

For example:

• You feel ignored → You want to shut down or lash out.
• You feel criticized → You want to defend or attack.
• You feel anxious → You want to avoid.
• You feel abandoned → You want to cling or push away first.

In the moment, those urges make sense. They are emotion-driven action urges.

But are they aligned with the life you want to build?

That’s the DBT question.

The Middle Path: Feelings Matter — and So Do Values

DBT is built on dialectics — the idea that two things can be true at the same time.

You can:

• Feel furious and choose not to send that text.
• Feel deeply hurt and respond calmly.
• Feel anxious and show up anyway.
• Feel the urge to quit and stay committed.

Doing the “right thing” in DBT means:

1. Validating your emotional experience.
2. Pausing.
3. Checking the facts.
4. Identifying your values.
5. Choosing an effective response.

It is not about suppressing emotion.
It is about responding skillfully rather than reacting impulsively.

Opposite Action: Doing the Right Thing When You Don’t Feel Like It

One of the most powerful DBT skills connected to “doing the right thing” is Opposite Action.

When emotions fit the facts but the intensity is too high — or when they don’t fit the facts at all — we can act opposite to the destructive urge.

Examples:

• Shame says “hide.” → Opposite Action says “make eye contact and speak.”
• Anger says “attack.” → Opposite Action says “use a calm voice.”
• Fear says “avoid.” → Opposite Action says “approach slowly.”
• Depression says “stay in bed.” → Opposite Action says “get up and take one small step.”

Opposite Action often feels unnatural at first. It can feel forced or even fake.

But here’s the truth:
Many times, the “right thing” does not feel good in the short term.

It feels regulated.
It feels steady.
It feels aligned.

And alignment is different from comfort.

Wise Mind: The Internal Compass

DBT teaches three states of mind:

• Emotion Mind
• Reasonable Mind
• Wise Mind

Wise Mind is the integration of emotion and reason. It’s the grounded, centered place inside you that knows your deeper values.

When you ask:

• “Who do I want to be in this moment?”
• “What kind of partner/parent/leader/friend do I want to show up as?”
• “What action builds my life rather than burns it down?”

You are accessing Wise Mind.

Doing the “right thing” from Wise Mind is not about winning the argument.
It’s about protecting the life you are building.

The Life Worth Living Lens

In DBT, everything points back to building a Life Worth Living.

So when you’re unsure what the “right thing” is, try this filter:

• Does this move me closer to or further from the life I want?
• Will I feel proud of this choice tomorrow?
• Does this reflect my values?
• Is this effective?

Sometimes the right thing is setting a boundary.
Sometimes it’s apologizing.
Sometimes it’s walking away.
Sometimes it’s staying.

The key is intention over impulse.

Radical Responsibility (Without Self-Blame)

Doing the “right thing” also means accepting that:

• You are responsible for your behavior.
• Your emotions explain behavior — they do not excuse it.
• You can repair when you miss the mark.

And you will miss the mark.

DBT is not about never messing up. It’s about repairing faster, learning from patterns, and building mastery over time.

Self-judgment keeps you stuck.
Self-responsibility moves you forward.

When It’s Hard

If doing the right thing feels exhausting, you’re not broken.

It’s hard because:

• Your nervous system is activated.
• Old patterns are strong.
• Impulses are fast.
• Skills require practice.

DBT assumes change is difficult. That’s why we practice skills repeatedly — not because you’re failing, but because you’re human.

Every time you pause instead of react…
Every time you speak calmly instead of escalating…
Every time you choose alignment over impulse…

You are strengthening neural pathways.

You are building a new pattern.

You are becoming someone you trust.

Final Thoughts

Doing the “right thing” in DBT isn’t about being “good.”

It’s about being effective.
It’s about being values-driven.
It’s about protecting your long-term goals over short-term relief.

You can feel deeply.
You can struggle.
You can get it wrong sometimes.

And you can still choose, over and over again, to act in a way that builds the life you want.

That’s the work.

That’s DBT.

Want to learn more about DBT? We have Openings and Groups you can join that teach you the skills! This is more than Talk Therapy! (Offices in Missouri and Kansas) Call or Text 816.500.2070 admin@middlepathmo.com